I Like Potatoes

An investigation that we led (after a tip from a secret source inside the Pentagon) and has lasted for more than two hours has finally come to an end. Now we can safely say that the rumors that have been circulating through the darkest regions of the Internet are true: The Smurfs was a sadistic, callous and spiritually bankrupt send-up of the horrors that began as the Peoples Temple and ended in the “drinking of the kool aid” in Jonestown. It was a ploy to bring complete communistic views to the American (and eventually world) masses. And who was in charge of this charade?: we’ll get to that in a minute.

Much has been written and reported about the socialist, communist, rapist and pretty much every “ist” Jim Jones, the leader of the Peoples Temple and, eventually, Jonestown. We are not here to report his and his churches actions. That has been written about enough. We are here to see how their mass suicide and insanity led to two individuals who used it to their advantage and, in doing so, mocked the rest of the world and especially the children of the world.

While both the Smurfs and the Peoples Temple were created in the mid-to-late 1950’s, both remained mostly unknown to the vast majority of the public until the 1978 Jonestown Massacre and then the 1981 release of The Smurfs Saturday morning television series on NBC. Obviously, NBC didn’t wait too long to capitalize on its political and socialistic agenda, which they were brainwashed into developing by the two most sinister people who may have ever walked this earth. Who are these two wacko, evil-inspired brain-washers? William Hanna and Joseph Barbera of Hanna-Barbera Cartoons fame. They tried to take over the free world with their communist and anti-American and anti-democratic views for many years, but The Smurfs was their most blatant example.

                                               PURE EVIL!!

The Smurfs arrived at the height of the Cold War the U.S. was in with the former Soviet Union. I say former, but certainly no thanks to Hanna-Barbera. Their plan, found in secret documents smuggled out of the former Hanna-Barbera building in Studio City, California, was to create an illusion to “the children of the world” that communistic societies are the utopian existence for everyone. Thus, they stole Jim Jones’ Jonestown compound idea and made the Smurfs’ “Smurf Village”.

In the Smurfs, much like Jonestown, there was a dynamic and boisterous leader who everyone in the village could go to if there were a problem. Papa Smurf filled this roll in Smurf Village. Hanna-Barbera dressed up this wizard in a bright red hat, white beard and bright red pants and shoes. All the other smurfs wore white hats and white pants and shoes and had no beard. The red is clearly (and undeniably) a reference to the poisonous “kool aid” that the members of Jonestown drank and killed themselves with. Both Papa Smurf and Jim Jones were seen by their community in a god-like way, which allowed both to exploit everyone they could. Forced labor, rapes and hypocritical rules that allowed the leaders to do one thing, while everyone else had to do another, were the norm in these societies. (Although no rape was ever shown on the Smurfs, we all know what happened whenever Papa Smurf and Smurfette were alone. It was more than implied. Also, and you can check this, Smurfette missed nearly the entire third season of the cartoon due to “family problems”. It was no secret on the set that she was taken off the screen to hide her secret pregnancy.)

The smurfs also faced a nemesis in Gargamel, a sorcerer who was their sworn enemy. He often times wanted to capture and/or eat the smurfs. He also often times wanted to murder a number of smurfs so he could create a potion that would turn base matter into gold. Clearly Gargamel was a thinly-veiled attempt by Hanna-Barbera to show how rotten capitalism was and how people who have the desire to be rich will do anything they can to get there. Including murdering and eating cute smurfs. Also Gargamel has been blasted by the critics as being an anti-Semitic character because he portrayed several Jewish stereotypes. And, if looked at deeper, there’s also a layer of homophobia because he was clearly gay. How do we know this? He’s single and he has a cat named Azrael.

The smurfs community was full of sharing and cooperation and everyone had a role because everyone was good at something. Whatever they were good at, they did, and they shared in the communal good for all. Hmmm….what’s that sound like? Exactly. Also, in a little remembered series finale in 1991, Hanna-Barbera even out-did themselves. In the finale, the smurfenment was closing in on Smurf Village and all the smurfs living there. Rather than be terrorized and feel pain, Papa Smurf develops a potion that they all drink and they go to “smurfyland” where everything’s okay and peaceful. That’s REALLY how the show ended. That’s about as blatant as it gets and yet, still, no one caught on to what was going on.

Luckily, for the sake of America and the world, the Smurfs was also an insanely boring and annoying show full of songs that crawled into a nook of one’s head and stayed there until a therapist could scrape it out. Also, lucky for all of us, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera have each died over the past decade taking with them the hate filled thought and creatures that they created. This article is merely the tip of the iceberg of what these two cretins tried to do to this country. With characters such as Magilla Gorilla, the Flintstones, Captain Caveman, Yogi Bear and many, many more in their catalogue, only time will tell how long each of those can go on any longer without the hate behind it becoming known.

In a candid and drunken interview early Sunday morning, Lorne Michaels, the creator and producer of the long running Saturday Night Live television program, admitted to what many have suspected for a long time.

“I haven’t cared at all about SNL for years,” he blabbered. “I’m a 65-year old man with a wife and grand kids, the last thing I know is what’s interesting and hip in comedy anymore. I’m old and out of touch and have lost any sense of how good cutting-edge comedy can be. I mean, take for instance last week, I had one of the most eccentric and original comics of his day in Zach Galifiniakious. I let him do a couple of interesting things, but then I mostly made the show feature some of our interminable recurring characters that even the people who play them don’t think are funny. If I had any pride left there’d be major changes. But, like I said, I just don’t care.”

These words don’t come as a shock to any loyal SNL viewer who has seen the show’s writing detoriorate ever since head writer Tina Fey left in 2006 for her own, far, far, far, far superior show, 30 Rock. SNL, which has launched the careers of Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Will Ferrell and Tina Fey (to just name a few), is not struggling due to lack of talent. Even Michaels admits this.

“I think I’ve collected solid, interesting and funny performers, but I just don’t know what to do with them. So I put Kristen Wiig in nearly every sketch and completely overexpose her. I let Kenan Thompson play the exact same character over and over and over again. Sometimes they’re good, but there’s no filter. I usually completely waste Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg and Will Forte. I don’t know, screw it. Who cares?” the intoxicated and brutally honest Michaels asks.

Well, the loyal viewers do, Lorne. The show used to be must-see. Even as recently as 2008 it was must-see, but only because Tina Fey came back and played Sarah Palin. And with the additional loss of Amy Poehler to her far, far superior show Parks and Recreation, the show lacks strong women characters. Though newcomers Abby Elliot, Nasim Pedrad and Jenny Slate have shown some potential when given the chance.  

Michaels sums up the situation perfectly as he downs another double gin and tonic. “When we started in the 70’s, we were fresh and audacious and full of the ‘it’s us against them’ mentality. In the late 80’s and early 90’s we developed funny actors and funny recurring characters that brought us more word-of-mouth than ever. When we revamped in the mid-90’s and brought in Will Ferrell and Fey and them, we brought more of an abstract, loud and witty touch to the show. That stayed for a while, but, I don’t know, it’s just gone. I just feel comfortable with what I know people can do. That’s why we do the same sketches over and over and over again. It’s easy. Believe me, if my 30-year-old version of myself could see this 65-year-old version, I’d kick his ass and fire him. But, now I’m filthy rich and all-powerful and this is how I choose to be. So leave me alone.”

And thus, leave SNL alone.

After months of consideration, we have finally selected the top four FAQs from among the thousands submitted. I have now thoroughly gone through and answered some of the most pressing questions I have ever seen. Keep submitting such wonderful things and perhaps, someday, I will even answer yours. And, perhaps, I will send you an autographed napkin in return. Keep hope alive, people.

Surprising, and to some, blasphemous revelations are starting to be leaked from J.D. Salinger himself posthumously. The notoriously reclusive writer of “The Catcher in the Rye”, one of the most famous and popular American novels of all time, who didn’t grant an interview for the last 30 years of his life, has some startling things to say in notes he agreed to have released upon his death. Since passing away on January 27th of this year, nothing has been heard from his estate. Until now. The first of these notes, and the shocking info they contain, have finally made their way to the media.

Salinger claims in the notes that “In 1951, when I wrote ‘Catcher’, we were a country just out of World War II and I thought everything was possible. I’d developed Holden Caulfield for a short story, “Slight Rebellion off Madison”, ten years earlier right before the war began. So the fear and uncertainties that the character may have felt before the war seemed different after it. Thus, I thought it would be hilarious to show a troubled youth in a post-war victorious land. I mean, the last thing anyone should have felt was angsty, or alienated. We were all one joyous country at that time. I thought people would get that it was a joke.”

As shocking as those words are (they come directly from Salinger’s private vault and analyzed by a hand-writing expert to verify authenticity), he goes on to write much, much more about his take on The Catcher in the Rye.

“To be honest with you, I could never relate at all to Holden. I thought he’d be funny because he was so different from me. I felt it’d be entertaining to throw in a hooker and have Holden beaten by a pimp. No other books that I was reading were doing this at the time and it made me laugh my ass off. It’s called sarcasm! I mean someone who’s that lonely and sad and drinks that much and doesn’t see a role for themselves in society, they just don’t exist. I’ve never met anyone like that. The people I’ve known were always happy and reassuring to be around. This bullshit about disaffected youth was preposterous. I mean, get over it. Jesus Christ. And how could people not realize that Holden catching the children before they fell over the cliff had nothing to do with anything. It was just random gibberish I threw in there because it made my title make sense.”

The Catcher in the Rye has gone on to sell more than 65 million copies since its 1951 release. To this day nearly 250,000 copies are sold each year in nearly every language on the globe. The main reason for it’s success is the connection its readers feel to the alienation, questions of sexuality and lack of belonging that Caulfield personified. And this is the main reason that led to Salinger’s near exile from public life.

“Look, I wrote the book for one reason and people took it another. And after it became a hit, which took a few years, they were identifying me with James Dean and people like that. It just wasn’t me. I mean I enjoyed being a birthday clown for children, I enjoyed dancing on a daily basis and I enjoyed long walks in the park under a sunny blue sky. That was living for me and I wasn’t and never will be ashamed of that.”

He continues, “I wrote a satire of someone I didn’t think could possibly exist. Not after winning a war! But then everyone equated me with this sullen creature and I knew I had to drift away. To be honest, I really loved the money I was getting from the book and I knew I was going to be set for life. That was always my dream and I didn’t want to blow it. I knew if people found out the truth, it’d tarnish my ‘Great American Novel’. Even if it wasn’t for the reasons people thought, it still is what it is.”

Most family and friends have remained mum on these revelations, but one did decide to speak to me on a condition of anonymity. “J.D. was just a really cool, fun-loving guy. If that pisses people off, so what. They wanted him to be something he wasn’t. He loved playing Santa every year and giving toys out to everyone. He loved flying kites and whistling for hours. It doesn’t change anything. It’s still a great book, no matter what.”

So the big question is, will these new revelations about the intention of The Catcher in the Rye change people’s perception of it? Only time will tell.

In an extraordinary moment in the history of science and human-porpoise relations, dolphins and humans are now able to communicate through a vocal recognition program. Dr.’s Theo Redkin and Jill Seachuck-Redkin, who have been married for over 30 years, have worked with and trained dolphins for the entirety of their 35-year careers. All of their dedication has paid off. With their prized pupil, Flippy Bojangles Masterson, the two held a major press conference on Tuesday showing their results. To say the least, it was a momentous occasion filled with joy, wonder and, finally from Flippy, some harsh words for the human world.

Taking the podium on a beautiful, sunny day in San Diego, Seachuck-Redkin started the festivities with a few words. Right behind her, in one of the giant set of pools that have been Flippy’s home for ten years, swam Flippy casually awaiting her turn to speak.

“This is the greatest day in both my life and my husband’s life,” she said. “We’ve dedicated our lives to this cause because the dolphin is one of the most intelligent, beautiful and brave creatures our planet has ever seen. Just in the past two days, when we were first able to vocally communicate with Flippy, we’ve learned so much. She’s such a wonderful being. We wish she could be free in the oceans with her family and friends, but even she agrees that her sacrifice is now worth it. She’s had a lot to say in the past two days and she’s prepared a speech for you today. But first, my husband has a couple of things to say.”

“Thank you Jill. Now that we’ve figured out how to communicate, it’s time for the world and everyone to listen and learn from another species that may be even more advanced than our own. It’s time for the mass killings and horrors to stop. We are no more important than they are in this world and it’s time for everyone to realize this. But I digress, let’s let the lady of the hour speak. Ladies and gentlemen, the first ‘talking dolphin’, Flippy Bojangles Masterson.”

Upon being introduced Flippy did two flips in the pool and the crowd cheered enthusiastically. Then the moment we in the audience had all been waiting for. Flippy came to a stop and looked at us from the pool. What we heard next was a marvel and sounded better than a telephone recording. The voice of Flippy actually sounded like a real woman’s voice.

“Thank you all for coming. I’m so proud of Jill and Theo for giving me this opportunity to talk to you today. They’ve worked really hard and have always treated me lovingly and kindly. I think it’s fair to say we’ve even become friends. That said, I have a couple of things I feel I need to say today. First off, I am really fucking pissed at the Oscars.”

Hearing a dolphin swear for the first time shocked the entire audience, myself included. After that, we waited breathlessly on her every word. This was a day we were sure to always remember.

She continued, “If you watched the telecast on Sunday, you saw a great movie called ‘The Cove’, which is about the tortures my species have gone through in Japan, win for best documentary film. Although winners are supposed to get forty-five seconds for a speech, they cut off the filmmakers after twenty-five seconds because one of them held up a sign trying to help our cause even more. I find this to be complete bullshit. Fuck the Oscars, we don’t need you. If you can’t give our kind forty-five seconds then you can go to hell. Seriously.”

“The second thing I want to talk about is you guys. Humans. I know, just like my species, there are good ones of you and bad ones of you. But I have to tell you, your bad ones are way fucking worse than my bad ones. You throw nets into our waters, drowning us. You drive your boats everywhere and we’re sometimes chopped up by propellers or just driven over. You throw your trash and whatever the hell else you want into the oceans and make us sick. What the fuck is wrong with you guys? You know Superman can’t come down and suck all the bad things out of the water and air, right? And yeah, I know who Superman is. And yet, some of my kind still will try to surround you when you’re in harms way with a shark or another predator. We do this because we care. Why don’t you?”

Bojangles Masterson continued, “I don’t want to sound like I and the rest of us dolphins are ingrates. Some of your kind, like Jill and Theo and ‘The Cove’ people and many, many others are really trying to help. But the message needs to be made clear. We are not food, just like you’re not food. We are not to be gutted and sliced open just like you aren’t to be gutted and sliced open. Look, I have a dream. My dream is that one day my kind and your kind can live in harmony without us having a fear in the back of our minds that you’re gonna trap us and murder us. Seems like a fair dream to me. Just think about it, please. I’m, I’m really tired now and I just want to rest. Thanks again for coming out and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of more to say in the coming weeks, months and years. Goodbye.”

And with those words, Flippy Bojangles Masterson did two more back-flips and disappeared into the vast pools. For those of us lucky enough to be in the crowd today, it was an amazing thing to witness. And though many of us after the speech really couldn’t remember exactly what she had said, it was just important that she had said something. Maybe her next speech we’ll remember.

Tina Noski, 27, of Milledgeville, Georgia is upset. Real upset. Admitting to a self-esteem problem (and a heroin addiction) she claims that Pittsburgh Steelers star quarterback and twice-accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger refused to touch her inappropriately at a night club on Friday morning.

“I know I may not be a high-class, pretty girly-girl, but I ain’t no dog neither,” she tells us in an exclusive interview.

She claims she ran into the 6-foot-5-inch pigskin hurler outside of a bathroom at Capital City nightclub. The same bathroom, by chance, that hours later the quarterback was accused of yet another sexual assault.

“When I bumped into him he didn’t even put a hand on me. He just muttered something like ‘I’m sorry’ and kept on going. I was thinking like, what? I think you owe me a kiss for what you done,” she drawls. Rambling on, she says, “I don’t know what that slut got that I don’t, but whatever, his loss. It just….hurts, you know. I am special and I know it. And I could have shown him. Oh well, there’s always Mike Tyson.”

Roethlisberger is being investigated by the Milledgeville PD and no charges have been filed. Still, we all know he got drunk and did it.  He, and his handlers, were unavailable for comment on this story. We’ll keep you posted.

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