March 2010
14 posts
9 tags
The Smurfs and Jonestown: I.L.P. Investigates
An investigation that we led (after a tip from a secret source inside the Pentagon) and has lasted for more than two hours has finally come to an end. Now we can safely say that the rumors that have been circulating through the darkest regions of the Internet are true: The Smurfs was a sadistic, callous and spiritually bankrupt send-up of the horrors that began as the Peoples Temple and ended...
8 tags
Lorne Michaels Admits: "I haven't cared in years"
In a candid and drunken interview early Sunday morning, Lorne Michaels, the creator and producer of the long running Saturday Night Live television program, admitted to what many have suspected for a long time.
“I haven’t cared at all about SNL for years,” he blabbered. “I’m a 65-year old man with a wife and grand kids, the last thing I know is what’s...
New FAQs Posted!
After months of consideration, we have finally selected the top four FAQs from among the thousands submitted. I have now thoroughly gone through and answered some of the most pressing questions I have ever seen. Keep submitting such wonderful things and perhaps, someday, I will even answer yours. And, perhaps, I will send you an autographed napkin in return. Keep hope alive, people.
5 tags
J.D. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye was a "Joke"
Surprising, and to some, blasphemous revelations are starting to be leaked from J.D. Salinger himself posthumously. The notoriously reclusive writer of “The Catcher in the Rye”, one of the most famous and popular American novels of all time, who didn’t grant an interview for the last 30 years of his life, has some startling things to say in notes he agreed to have released upon...
4 tags
Day of the Dolphin Arrives: Harsh Words for...
In an extraordinary moment in the history of science and human-porpoise relations, dolphins and humans are now able to communicate through a vocal recognition program. Dr.’s Theo Redkin and Jill Seachuck-Redkin, who have been married for over 30 years, have worked with and trained dolphins for the entirety of their 35-year careers. All of their dedication has paid off. With their prized...
3 tags
Woman Offended Ben Roethlisberger Didn't Sexually...
Tina Noski, 27, of Milledgeville, Georgia is upset. Real upset. Admitting to a self-esteem problem (and a heroin addiction) she claims that Pittsburgh Steelers star quarterback and twice-accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger refused to touch her inappropriately at a night club on Friday morning.
“I know I may not be a high-class, pretty girly-girl, but I ain’t no dog neither,” she...
10 tags
A Few Questions for the Universe
How come almost every ghost is such a jerk?
Why is “burglar” such a cute word?
Why haven’t whales evolved to the point where they could trap whalers with harpoons and giant nets?
Why is Jay Leno still allowed on television?
Why isn’t Jay Leno in prison?
Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego?
Why aren’t hunters allowed to be hunted?
Why did Chuck...
23 tags
How Can People Be So Similar? Robert Blake Vs. OJ...
One of the more interesting aspects of being a Highlander (I did mention I was one, right?) is that I’ve gotten to meet a lot of people throughout history. I’ve met simple men and women, great warriors, the inventor of the cheeseburger, Debbie Gibson and many, many others. One thing I’ve noticed is that there are sometimes crazy parallels between people that we would never...
4 tags
Strange, But Real, Fortune Cookie Fortunes
I’ve collected a number of fortune cookies from around the world and would like to share them with you. While most fortune cookies are similar and full of hope or life advice, sometimes a few sneak through that make me uncomfortable and sad. I don’t know if the writers were having a bad day or what, but they must have been really down. Here’s a few examples of one’s I...
3 tags
Depressed Guy Likes Alcohol
Friends and family members of Robert Pennywiggle, a 28-year-old plumber from Wabash, Washington, say he has finally come clean.
“He was drunk and he, like, came up to me and told me how happy he was. Which was weird. But then he said it was because he was drunk,” his not-so-bright 24-year-old sister Meg said. ”I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about.”
It...
9 tags
The Shocking Origins of Fight Club
Shocking revelations have rocked the television world with the opening of court records from a 1976 Illinois case (State V. Rogers/Keeshan). Under seal until now, the case brings into frame a very different portrayal of two of the most hallowed children’s television figures of all time.
Fred Rogers and Bob Keeshan (aka Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo) were arrested together in...
11 tags
Random Thoughts, Observations and Facts
Many great men and women have lived on our planet, but none greater than Captain Lou Albano.
I believe that zebras DO exist.
There has NEVER been, and may never be, a better movie than V.I. Warshawski.
If you have a bumper sticker that reads “I believe in Santa and Global Warming”, then you need to be eaten by a Polar bear.
If I were Chinese, I bet I’d still like pepperoni...
8 tags
Mortal Enemies (Part 1)
If you’ve somehow stumbled upon this site, and you’re fans of one of the people I’ve listed, I need to tell you that you’re stupid. Just like that. You’re stupid and now you’re my mortal enemy too. And it’s your fault. It’s all your fault.
Mortal Enemies List (in no particular order):
Claire Danes
I don’t know why, but I just hate...
15 tags
My history
Okay, we’ll start off this blog thing on a get-to-know-you basis. My name is Paco Ortiz Sinatra, I am of French/Dutch heritage and I do NOT have Down Syndrome or anything like that (before you get wise and start making accusations). I grew up on an alpaca farm just outside of Trondheim, Norway. There I would sometimes bath in the cold waters of the Nid and then hurry home for my lashing. My...
January 2010
1 post
