Depressed Guy Likes Alcohol
Friends and family members of Robert Pennywiggle, a 28-year-old plumber from Wabash, Washington, say he has finally come clean.
“He was drunk and he, like, came up to me and told me how happy he was. Which was weird. But then he said it was because he was drunk,” his not-so-bright 24-year-old sister Meg said. ”I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about.”
It seems young Pennywiggle has struggled for some time battling depression. His mother, Ava, says it all began in junior high when he was picked on for having an enormous elbow.
“One of his elbows was like five times the size of his other one. It was the damnedest thing I ever seen,” she verbalized. “So, of course the other kids called him ‘Elbow-boy’ or ‘Freaky-jerk’ or whatever they could think of. It was sad, but, I mean, he was a freak.”
Anyway, cut to years later and finally Pennywiggle has found the cure to beating the blues.
“When I start drinking, I just feel….good man, you know,” said Pennywiggle. “I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this before. It’s so easy. If you aren’t feeling good and nothing seems to help, well I’d highly recommend everyone just start drinking. It’s not that expensive and it’s kind of like a hobby you can do your entire life.”
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UPDATE
I’m sad to report that just three weeks after interviewing Robert Pennywiggle, he has been arrested and locked in a mental hospital. He apparently jumped out of a moving car, trying to kill himself. Rumors are swirling that he may have been drunk at the time, but that seems pretty far-fetched. His departing words to me were: “Dude, I need to get drunk now. I can feel it building inside of me and I need to kill it.”
So do I think he was drunk when he tried to kill himself? Not a chance.
