I Like Potatoes

In an extraordinary moment in the history of science and human-porpoise relations, dolphins and humans are now able to communicate through a vocal recognition program. Dr.’s Theo Redkin and Jill Seachuck-Redkin, who have been married for over 30 years, have worked with and trained dolphins for the entirety of their 35-year careers. All of their dedication has paid off. With their prized pupil, Flippy Bojangles Masterson, the two held a major press conference on Tuesday showing their results. To say the least, it was a momentous occasion filled with joy, wonder and, finally from Flippy, some harsh words for the human world.

Taking the podium on a beautiful, sunny day in San Diego, Seachuck-Redkin started the festivities with a few words. Right behind her, in one of the giant set of pools that have been Flippy’s home for ten years, swam Flippy casually awaiting her turn to speak.

“This is the greatest day in both my life and my husband’s life,” she said. “We’ve dedicated our lives to this cause because the dolphin is one of the most intelligent, beautiful and brave creatures our planet has ever seen. Just in the past two days, when we were first able to vocally communicate with Flippy, we’ve learned so much. She’s such a wonderful being. We wish she could be free in the oceans with her family and friends, but even she agrees that her sacrifice is now worth it. She’s had a lot to say in the past two days and she’s prepared a speech for you today. But first, my husband has a couple of things to say.”

“Thank you Jill. Now that we’ve figured out how to communicate, it’s time for the world and everyone to listen and learn from another species that may be even more advanced than our own. It’s time for the mass killings and horrors to stop. We are no more important than they are in this world and it’s time for everyone to realize this. But I digress, let’s let the lady of the hour speak. Ladies and gentlemen, the first ‘talking dolphin’, Flippy Bojangles Masterson.”

Upon being introduced Flippy did two flips in the pool and the crowd cheered enthusiastically. Then the moment we in the audience had all been waiting for. Flippy came to a stop and looked at us from the pool. What we heard next was a marvel and sounded better than a telephone recording. The voice of Flippy actually sounded like a real woman’s voice.

“Thank you all for coming. I’m so proud of Jill and Theo for giving me this opportunity to talk to you today. They’ve worked really hard and have always treated me lovingly and kindly. I think it’s fair to say we’ve even become friends. That said, I have a couple of things I feel I need to say today. First off, I am really fucking pissed at the Oscars.”

Hearing a dolphin swear for the first time shocked the entire audience, myself included. After that, we waited breathlessly on her every word. This was a day we were sure to always remember.

She continued, “If you watched the telecast on Sunday, you saw a great movie called ‘The Cove’, which is about the tortures my species have gone through in Japan, win for best documentary film. Although winners are supposed to get forty-five seconds for a speech, they cut off the filmmakers after twenty-five seconds because one of them held up a sign trying to help our cause even more. I find this to be complete bullshit. Fuck the Oscars, we don’t need you. If you can’t give our kind forty-five seconds then you can go to hell. Seriously.”

“The second thing I want to talk about is you guys. Humans. I know, just like my species, there are good ones of you and bad ones of you. But I have to tell you, your bad ones are way fucking worse than my bad ones. You throw nets into our waters, drowning us. You drive your boats everywhere and we’re sometimes chopped up by propellers or just driven over. You throw your trash and whatever the hell else you want into the oceans and make us sick. What the fuck is wrong with you guys? You know Superman can’t come down and suck all the bad things out of the water and air, right? And yeah, I know who Superman is. And yet, some of my kind still will try to surround you when you’re in harms way with a shark or another predator. We do this because we care. Why don’t you?”

Bojangles Masterson continued, “I don’t want to sound like I and the rest of us dolphins are ingrates. Some of your kind, like Jill and Theo and ‘The Cove’ people and many, many others are really trying to help. But the message needs to be made clear. We are not food, just like you’re not food. We are not to be gutted and sliced open just like you aren’t to be gutted and sliced open. Look, I have a dream. My dream is that one day my kind and your kind can live in harmony without us having a fear in the back of our minds that you’re gonna trap us and murder us. Seems like a fair dream to me. Just think about it, please. I’m, I’m really tired now and I just want to rest. Thanks again for coming out and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of more to say in the coming weeks, months and years. Goodbye.”

And with those words, Flippy Bojangles Masterson did two more back-flips and disappeared into the vast pools. For those of us lucky enough to be in the crowd today, it was an amazing thing to witness. And though many of us after the speech really couldn’t remember exactly what she had said, it was just important that she had said something. Maybe her next speech we’ll remember.